Drinking should be an enjoyable endeavor, not whatever these monsters created.

Before we get to what "thick water" is, let's recognize the monsters that made this.

"They" would be Ivy and Coney, a bar in Washington D.C. that describes themselves on Twitter as a "neighborhood bar, cheap food, cheap booze, and even cheaper company." It sounds like an awesome joint.

I went to their website and I know if I ever find myself in D.C. I will check it out. That's because it looks like it's Midwestern bar, if not a Cubs bar. Just from the main picture on their website:


I spot:

  • Wrigley-like ivy on the wall
  • A sign that looks a lot like the Marquee at Wrigley
  • A Pabst neon
  • A hot dog shop neon
  • An old school Miller Lite neon
  • Big Ten banners hanging from the ceiling

A literal home away from home. That explains why they're messing around with Malort. Only fools from Chicago ever mess around with the stuff.

What's Malort?

In a word, disgusting. Technically it's a wormwood flavored Swedish liquor. And wormwood is a much nicer way of describing its flavor than how I describe it, which is grapefruit flavored whiskey filtered through an old gym sock. It's really gross.

There are hundreds of reaction videos to people trying Malort, all of them pretty much the same. This is one of the better ones.

Should you try it? Yes. Will you try it again? Probably, but you won't want to.

Now how did they make it grosser?

Thick Water

I've personally never had thick water. It apparently was created for those with difficulty swallowing. I don't really understand the science behind why it's easier to drink something thick than thin but that's why there are people smarter than me out there making the stuff.

I had never heard of it until I came across this video of people trying it for the first time and it might have a worse reaction than the Malort videos. Warning some NSFW language in there.

Even dogs hate it.

The best part of Malort is that the flavor and burn is fleeting. I'm pretty sure the thick water means that you basically taste it all night long. It's pretty genius actually. I know for a fact that my buddies and I would do this if it was at the bar where we were hanging out. I don't want to do this but I'm pretty sure I'm about to go on Amazon and order a bottle for the next time we're all together. Wish me luck.

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