Obese Raccoon in Zion Rescued by Police

I know that in today's politically-correct climate that "fat-shaming" will get a person in trouble pretty quick, but c'mon, let's be honest. There are certain members of the animal kingdom here in Illinois that could stand to drop a couple of pounds. Masked bandits, I'm looking at you.

We hear all the time about the obesity epidemic here in America that affects human beings, yet somehow overeating furry creatures (who aren't dogs or cats) have escaped the same level of scrutiny that lovers of the Double Quarter-Pounder with Cheese routinely get.

Now, thanks to a ton of publicity involving the rescue of a "curvy" raccoon by Zion, Illinois cops and public works employees, raccoons across the Land of Lincoln have been put on notice. Lose some weight, or stay out of our sewers.

From NBC-Chicago:

Authorities said they found the creature stuck while trying to climb out of a Zion sewer grate. The officers had been called to the area for assistance when they discovered the unexpected scene.
“It seems this little guy has been eating a little too well and got caught in the sewer grate,” the Zion Police Department wrote on Facebook. The raccoon was so big officers couldn’t help it out of the grate, so they called the Zion Public Works Department.
“They were able to free him and our friend was no worse for wear,” the police department wrote.

A spokesman for the raccoon, seeking to deflect from his client's weight problem, claims that the unidentified raccoon is simply "big-boned," and has been dealing with a nasty breakup by over-indulging in leftover and discarded pints of Häagen-Dazs it finds in local trash cans.