As a kid growing up along the banks of the Rock River in Oregon, my parents made it quite clear that I was not to be swimming in the Rock. The river, they argued, was a drowning hazard--swift, full of dangerous currents, and was inhabited by creatures (like the garfish) that would bite off large chunks of my flesh. When you're 12 years old, that kind of warning sticks with you. Plus, the movie "Jaws" came out right around that time, so they didn't have to work too hard to convince me to stay out.

(If you're unfamiliar with the garfish, or garpike, as some call it, check out this interesting piece in the Rock River Times, "The Fish That Wears a Suit of Armor.")

Closeup of a garfish jaw/Nature Picture Libr, Getty Images

I've got to tell you though, after watching the video below, I'd rather put on a suit of wriggling minnows and swim through a garfish orgy than enjoy the "safety" of a shark cage. Although, upon further consideration, as I mentioned at the start of this piece, thanks, but I'd rather stick with Magic Waters:

((Some language may be NSFW))

Yep, the Lazy River is looking mighty appealing right about now.