And The Winner Of The Rockford House Most Likely To Have Hosted A 70s Orgy Goes To…

This house. 

This unassuming abode on Highcrest looks like a nice enough place from the outside and an absolute steal at $145,000. There must be something wrong with it right? I wouldn't go as far as wrong but it has some definitely unique features that not everyone is possibly looking for.

I can 100% see a group of young single guys getting this place and turning it back into the party palace that it may have once been. Until then let's take a look at what you can get in this "charming" 4,000 square foot home with 4 bedrooms and 4 bathrooms.

This is what I'm assuming is the living room. Couple of things to notice here that will be a theme throughout the house. First off, that's a huge room. Lots of room for activities. Second, it's a carpeted room. This whole house has carpet (even the bathroom, get to that later.) Is there hardwood under there? Who knows? No matter what you better have stock in Dyson if you plan on keeping these floors clean as is. Third, there's an ornate light fixture. Probably a good half dozen of those things throughout.

Pretty solid start to the house. Let's move on.

Here we have a Dining Room? Again not sure. Notice the themes however. Carpet. Check. Ornate light fixture. Check. A new theme introduced in this room that you'll see again is the mirror. LOTS of mirrors in this place. Good to keep the vibe going I guess.

Here's a look at the kitchen. Is it modern? No. Is it quaint? Not really. It does appear to have the same electric range that my folks had when I was young. I distinctly remember trying to clean that thing with Barkeeper's Best Friend (best cleaner out there BTW #notanad) and hating every minute of it. A ceiling fan in the kitchen is different but I'm also guessing that with the presence of heat radiators and window A/C units this place doesn't have any central air so the ceiling fan was probably necessary. Also that lavender curtain really brings the whole room together.

I don't know what a Butler's kitchen is but whenever I hear that term this is kind of space I think of. It's basically a walk in pantry. It also is one of the few non carpeted rooms in the whole place. Things of note in here are the color of the cabinets which I can't really identify and the wallpapered ceiling with decorative "doily" cut above the door.

This room has me perplexed. I'm going to call it a sitting room. I'm also going to call it the best place to have an acid trip. That wallpaper is nothing short of electric and I think I spy some satin drapes. Classy. While there is an ornate light fixture it has no carpet. Please take another look at the wall/ceilingpaper. It deserves your attention.

This is probably my favorite spot in the whole place. I see this being called the Rumpus Room by the original planners. Big fan of the brick walls and I think that's some sort of bar set up in the back there. I get the feeling this is in the basement and has seen it's fair share of parties. This would be the highlight of the house if this next room didn't exist.

You know how on every episode of Cribs they would introduce their bedroom as the "place where the magic happens?" Well they probably called this the David Copperfield Room because there was some serious prestidigitation (look it up) going on in here. Where do you start? Mirrored ceiling? Two (2!) chandeliers? Hot pink carpet? Built in matching hot pink headboard? This place has it all. Including every STD ever created. Going to need a THOROUGH cleaning before I lay down in this room.

Whoa. All I know is nothing screams romance quite like lounging in a heart shaped sunk in tub surrounded by hot pink carpeting with the hypnotic hum of an A/C wall unit not at all dangerously plugged in right next to a tub of water. Again. Notice all the mirrors.

Whoa times two. Just because you CAN get wall to wall hot pink carpeting in your bathroom doesn't mean you should. More themes to recognize in here. The ornate lights surrounding the mirror and what appears to be a whole extra huge mirror right next to it.

Side note: You should never put a mirror directly in front of a toilet. Just bad optics for everyone.

This bathroom appears to have been decorated/designed by a totally different person. There's no carpet, mirrors, or ornate light fixture. It also happens to be a pretty decent looking john. Good job everyone.

Did they put a rug over carpet? Possibly. Not sure though. Honestly this, what I'm calling a study, was probably one of the classier rooms in it's heyday. You polish those shelves up and maybe lose the rug and you can put up all your leather bound books with that smell of mahogany and have a great space.

Here's what the back of the property looks like. Actually pretty nice, minus the dead tree which I would immediately convert into a giant slingshot. You're probably saying the only thing this house is missing is a pool with a very dangerous diving board. Well you're in luck.

There you go. Pool probably hasn't been used since the Reagan administration and that diving board appears to be covered in tetanus but it's something you might be able to work with.

Well that's the tour. Again for less than $150K if could all be yours. Good luck to the seller. If you want to sweeten the deal just kick in unlimited Rug Doctor rentals for the new owner. They're going to need it.